There are moments of clarity – oh how I wish they were moments of clarety.
I have left the air diet behind me, and the lentil diet, which was an air diet of another kind, or at least a wind one.
I think I have found the diet I was looking for. It’s based on massive amounts of poppy seed. Why do I like it? Because it makes me feel so gooooood. I could chillax my life away. Everyone just looks warm and fuzzy and … purple. Not quite sure why that is but there you go.
Actually, shouldn’t have said chillax – combo words, like ginormous, just annoy the bejesus out of me. Isn’t gigantic or enormous good enough on their own? I mean, ginormous doesn’t even sound big at all. It’s the embarrassing relative in the large word family.
I do love euphemisms though. We use them all the time, but we like to call them white lies. For example, “Bald men are viral” means “Bald men are bald”; “That haircut really suits you” means “No it doesn’t” and “No that dress doesn’t make you look big” means “Yes it does.” And what do you reckon a trouser cough might be?
There are two things a man should never, ever say to a woman 1) “Wow, you must be pregnant. When’s the baby due?” 2) “You know, you look just like your mother”. Blokes, on the other hand, deserve everything they get.
Sometimes people’s names make me smile. Is Joe Hockey a game where, if you don’t have the ball, you tell everybody how many goals you’d score if you did have the ball, BUT when you do get the ball, you complain that it’s not big enough and that the people who just had the ball are to blame? It’s then optional to pick up the ball and go home.
Have you ever noticed that when somebody says “In my humble opinion” (IMHO in text abbreviation), you can bet they aren’t going to be humble and there’s a fair chance their opinion will be spoken out of a different orifice. And, if someone ever says “With all due respect …” get ready to be deeply offended or move away from them quickly before you get caught in the crossfire.
Perhaps you can help me with something. The other day the prime minister said he wouldn’t give in to moral blackmail. What is this moral blackmail? Is it when your morals make you feel guilty, because isn’t that just guilt? Or does it mean that you won’t give in because you don’t have any morals to be worried about? Just curious.
Did you know it’s actually quite easy to speak German? Just put ger at the front of a word and en at the end and you’re there. Drop a brick on your toe and cry out “Gerbuggeren” and every nearby German will know exactly what you mean.
Isn’t panjandrum a cool word?
And is sugar the rudest food in the kitchen? I’ve definitely heard people say “Sugar” and the way they said it meant a whole lot more than just a pile of sweet white stuff. A pile of something maybe, definitely not sweet and probably not white.
As I scoop down another spoonful of poppy seeds the purple jaguar who moved in when I started my poppy seed diet tells me I should remind you all to donate to the cause. All of me agrees with that (especially my left big toe which has always been cooperative, as opposed to my right big toe – the less said of that nasty piece of work the better).
So, if you want to make the world a better place for people who could really use a helping hand go to:
http://my.febfast.org/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=685940&langPref=en-CA
and donate your heart, lungs or big toes away.
I have left the air diet behind me, and the lentil diet, which was an air diet of another kind, or at least a wind one.
I think I have found the diet I was looking for. It’s based on massive amounts of poppy seed. Why do I like it? Because it makes me feel so gooooood. I could chillax my life away. Everyone just looks warm and fuzzy and … purple. Not quite sure why that is but there you go.
Actually, shouldn’t have said chillax – combo words, like ginormous, just annoy the bejesus out of me. Isn’t gigantic or enormous good enough on their own? I mean, ginormous doesn’t even sound big at all. It’s the embarrassing relative in the large word family.
I do love euphemisms though. We use them all the time, but we like to call them white lies. For example, “Bald men are viral” means “Bald men are bald”; “That haircut really suits you” means “No it doesn’t” and “No that dress doesn’t make you look big” means “Yes it does.” And what do you reckon a trouser cough might be?
There are two things a man should never, ever say to a woman 1) “Wow, you must be pregnant. When’s the baby due?” 2) “You know, you look just like your mother”. Blokes, on the other hand, deserve everything they get.
Sometimes people’s names make me smile. Is Joe Hockey a game where, if you don’t have the ball, you tell everybody how many goals you’d score if you did have the ball, BUT when you do get the ball, you complain that it’s not big enough and that the people who just had the ball are to blame? It’s then optional to pick up the ball and go home.
Have you ever noticed that when somebody says “In my humble opinion” (IMHO in text abbreviation), you can bet they aren’t going to be humble and there’s a fair chance their opinion will be spoken out of a different orifice. And, if someone ever says “With all due respect …” get ready to be deeply offended or move away from them quickly before you get caught in the crossfire.
Perhaps you can help me with something. The other day the prime minister said he wouldn’t give in to moral blackmail. What is this moral blackmail? Is it when your morals make you feel guilty, because isn’t that just guilt? Or does it mean that you won’t give in because you don’t have any morals to be worried about? Just curious.
Did you know it’s actually quite easy to speak German? Just put ger at the front of a word and en at the end and you’re there. Drop a brick on your toe and cry out “Gerbuggeren” and every nearby German will know exactly what you mean.
Isn’t panjandrum a cool word?
And is sugar the rudest food in the kitchen? I’ve definitely heard people say “Sugar” and the way they said it meant a whole lot more than just a pile of sweet white stuff. A pile of something maybe, definitely not sweet and probably not white.
As I scoop down another spoonful of poppy seeds the purple jaguar who moved in when I started my poppy seed diet tells me I should remind you all to donate to the cause. All of me agrees with that (especially my left big toe which has always been cooperative, as opposed to my right big toe – the less said of that nasty piece of work the better).
So, if you want to make the world a better place for people who could really use a helping hand go to:
http://my.febfast.org/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=685940&langPref=en-CA
and donate your heart, lungs or big toes away.
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