Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett
There is a phrase 'neither flesh nor fowl nor good red herring.' This thing was all of them, plus some other bits of beast unknown to science or nightmare or even kebab. (UA)
Who ever heard of a man resigning from UU? It was something that simply did not happen! Sometimes people left in disgrace, in a box or, in a few cases, in bits, but there was no tradition of resigning at all. Tenure at Unseen University was for life, and often a long way beyond. (UA)
The Office of Master of The Traditions had fallen inevitably on Ponder Stibbons, who tended to get all the jobs that required someone who thought that things should happen on time and that numbers should add up. (UA)
Unfortunately, Ponder was a clear logical thinker who, in times of mental confusion, fell back on reason and honesty, which, when dealing with an angry Archchancellor, were to use the proper academic term, unhelpful. And he neglected to think strategically, always a mistake when talking to fellow academics, and as a result made the mistake of employing, as at this point, common sense. (UA)
Nothing cleans stubborn stains like suppressed anger. (UA)
… if you worked in the vats it meant that, as far as the job market was concerned, you had been accelerating when you'd hit the bottom of the barrel and had been drilled into the bedrock. It meant that you no longer had enough charisma to be a beggar. It meant that you were on the run from something, possibly the gods themselves, or the demons inside you. It meant that if you dared look up you would see, high above you, the dregs of society. (UA)
'I have a very fast metabolism,' said Nutt.
'I don't mind about that,' said Glenda, 'so long as you don't go showing it to people.' (UA)
The last thing she wanted was to see her friend getting ideas in her head. There was such a lot of room in there for them to bounce around and do damage. (UA)
She read the way a cat eats: furtively, daring anyone to notice. (UA)
It was amazing, he thought, how people would argue against figures on no better basis than 'they must be wrong'.
'I'm sure the Bursar would not agree with those figures,' said the Senior Wrangler sourly.
'That is so,' said Ponder, 'but I'm afraid that is because he regards the decimal point as a nuisance'. (UA)
'Three cheeses isn't a choice, it's a penance!' (UA)
'If all else fails, we will find volunteers from the student body,' said Ridcully.
'Corpse might be a better word.' (UA)
'Are you seriously suggesting that we give out degrees for mere physical prowess?' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
'No, of course not. I am seriously suggesting that we give out degrees for extreme physical prowess.' (UA)
'The University Council at the time took the decent view that it might be the moment for a leader who was not stupid, mad or dead. Admittedly, most of these are not exactly qualifications in the normal sense, but I like to think that the skill of leadership, tactics and creative cheating that I learned on the river stood me in good stead.' (UA)
The bringer of bad news is never popular, especially when it's on an empty plate. (UA)
Ponder plunged on, because when you have dived off a cliff your only hope is to press for the abolition of gravity. (UA)
Glenda and Juliet sat side by side, rocking gently to the sway, lost in their thoughts. At least Glenda was, Juliet could get lost in half a thought, if that. (UA)
… arguing with her friend was like punching mist. (UA)
… you could afford to buy beer or you could afford to buy paint and you couldn't drink paint unless you were Mr Johnson at number fourteen, who apparently drunk it all the time. (UA)
Learning had to be digested. You didn't just have to know, you have to comprehend. (UA)
'… they ranged in size from unpleasantly large to disgustingly small, had about the same level of culture as yoghurt and spent their time picking their own noses and missing.' (UA)
'They are the ones that go on about what happens if ladies don't get enough mutton, and they say cigars are -'
'That's a fallacy!'
'That's right, that's what I read.' (UA)
There are those who say that sherry should not be drunk early in the morning. They are wrong (UA)
'… what the wise man cannot change he must channel.' (UA)
'As a wizard I must tell you that words have power'.
'As a politician I must tell you I already know'. (UA)
'Cunning: artful, sly, deceptive, shrewd, astute, cute, on the ball and, indeed, arch. A word for any praise and every prejudice. Cunning … is a cunning word.' (UA)
'Cometh the hour, cometh the … whatever. General comethness, perhaps.' (UA)
Truth is female, since truth is beauty rather than handsomeness, this Ridcully reflected as the Council grumbled in, would certainly explain the saying that a lie could run around the world before Truth has got its, correction, her boots on, since she would have to choose which pair – the idea that any woman in a position to choose would have just one pair of boots being beyond rational belief. (UA)
… he decided not on the whole truth, but instead on nothing but the truth, which dispensed with the need for honesty. (UA)
Be one of the crowd? It went against everything a wizard stood for, and a wizard would not stand for anything if he could sit down for it, but even sitting down, you had to stand out. (UA)
Apes had it worked out. No ape would philosophize, 'The mountain is and is not.' They would think, 'The banana is. I will eat the banana. There is no banana. I want another banana.' (UA)
Confusion always helped, when it wasn't yours; when it was time for a hue and cry, make sure who was hue. (UA)
'You two have a history, I think,' said Nutt.
'You are a sharp one, aren't you? Quiet and sharp. Like a knife. Yeah, I suppose it was a history. I wanted it to be more of a geography, but she kept slappin' my hand.' (UA)
… since tired coppers didn't like having to do something, they did it good and hard, so with any luck they wouldn't have to do it again any time soon. (UA)
'Coppers are never nosy, Mister Likely. However, sometimes we ask tangential questions'. (UA)
'Smart is only a polished version of dumb. Try intelligence. It will surely see you through'. (UA)
Glenda enjoyed her job. She didn't have a career; they were for people who could not hold down jobs. (UA)
She was, of course, beautiful. You seldom saw a goddess portrayed as ugly. This probably had something to do with their ability to strike people down instantly. (UA)
… if there were two things the city liked, it was tradition and goddesses, especially if the goddesses were a bit short on chiffon above the waist. (UA)
'All her clothes might fall off. I am sorry about this, but it appears to be a by-product of the whole business of poetry.' (UA)
'In any case the rules don't concern us at this point. We have to play the game in any eventuality and so we will abide by them in the best traditions of sportsmanship until we have worked out where they may be most usefully broken to our advantage'. (UA)
Food was their cup of tea, and if possible their slice of cake too. (UA)
'It's hard to hate people who are a long way away. You forget how dreadful they are. But you see a neighbour's warts every day'. (UA)
'Now, I am concluding this meeting, although what it has in fact concluded I shall decide later.' (UA)
A dwarf on the up and up was really on his uppers, and upper-class dwarfs were lower class. A dwarf who was rich, healthy and had respect and his own rat farm justifiably felt at rock bottom and was held in low esteem. When you talked to dwarfs, you turned your mind upside down. (UA)
Dwarfs have a straightforward approach to alcoholic drink: beer, mead, wine, sherry – one large size fits all. (UA)
Wizards were competitive. It was part of wizardry. Wizards have no more idea of a friendly game than cats have of a friendly mouse. (UA)
… any female of any sapient species knows the look of a man who has nothing very much to do in an environment that, for this time, is clearly occupied by and totally under the control of females. It looked as though they were on guard. (UA)
'… you have to grab life or drop back into the crab bucket.' (UA)
Like many large people, she could move as quietly as the balloon she resembled. (UA)
'There are more things in Heaven and Disc than are dreamed of in our philosophies.'
'I expect so, sir. I don't have many things in my philosophies.' (UA)
'… dwarfs, while the salt of the earth, don't have much of a grasp of small numbers …' (UA)
… a wizard could trust you because of the hellish future he could unleash on you if his trust was betrayed. (UA)
… he didn't like people much, an affliction that affects many who have to deal with the general public over a long period … (UA)
Sometimes if you wanted to go to the ball you had to be your own fairy godmother. (UA)
'Pick the teams alternately so one of you ends up with the weird kid and the other with the fat kid. Some of the fastest mathematics of all time has been achieved by team captains trying not to end up with the weird kid …' (UA)
'And you are telling me I'm wrong. Are you?'
'I would rather you thought of me as suggesting a way in which you could be even more right.' (UA)
… authority must back up authority, in public at least, otherwise there is no authority, and therefore the senior authority is forced to back up the junior authority, even if he, the senior authority, believes the junior authority is a tiresome little tit. (UA)
You didn't get anywhere at Unseen University without being able to understand the vast number of meaning that can be carried by the word ook. (UA)
'Beauty can be considered to be neutral, sir. It is not the same as nice or good.' (UA)
'I've got a huge workload!'
'Delegate!'
'You know I'm hopeless at delegating, sir!'
'Then delegate the job of delegating to someone who isn't!' (UA)
'… you know how it is with boundaries,' Ridcully mumbled. 'You look at what's on the other side and you realize why there was a boundary in the first place.' (UA)
'Of course we've all passed a lot of water over the bridge since then …' (UA)
Ponder Stibbons had once got one hundred percent in a prescience exam by getting there the previous day. (UA)
… a man could be dogmatic, and that was all right, or he could be stupid, and no harm done, but stupid and dogmatic at the same time was too much … (UA)
The right tone from a woman with her arms folded always bounces an answer out of an unprepared man before he has time to think, and even before he has time to think up a lie. (UA)
'… I see evil when I look in my shaving mirror. It is, philosophically, present everywhere in the universe in order, apparently, to highlight the existence of good. I think there is more to this theory, but I tend to burst out laughing at this point.' (UA)
'Why is there a certain cast of the military mind which leads sensible people to do again, with gusto, what didn't work before?' (UA)
'And that's when I first learned about evil. It is built in to the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior.' (UA)
Glenda, lurking among the serving girls, was taken aback and affronted at the same time, which was a bit of a squeeze … (UA)
And there is nothing more embarrassing than seeing a falling-down drunk except for when it is a falling-down drunk who is still standing up. (UA)
'We play and are played and the best we can hope for is to do it with style.' (UA)
'The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.'
Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. 'Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.' (UA)
'Young lady drink levels all mankind. It is the ultimate democrat, if you like that sort of thing. A drunk beggar is as drunk as a lord, and so is a lord. And have you ever noticed that all drunks can understand one another, no matter how drunk they are and how different their native tongues?' (UA)
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen. (UA)
'Don't be smart be clever.' (UA)
'… we are part of the scheme of things. Light and dark. Night and day. Sweet and sour. Good and evil (within acceptable college statutes). It just helps if we can have sensible and reliable people on both side …' (UA)
'… the leopard can change his shorts …' (UA)
Never, ever expect gratitude from those you help. (UA)
There things that were important and things that weren't, and times when you knew the difference. (UA)
'Oh, back in the olden days up in the Uberwald or somewhere they used to tear people to bits and eat them.'
'That's foreigners for you,' said the woman. (UA)
'… the more best you're capable of the more you should do.' (UA)
'Everybody knows trolls eat people and spit them out. Everybody knows dwarfs cut of you legs. But at the same time everybody knows that what everybody knows is wrong.' (UA)
'Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,' said Ponder. I seriously think they think that it's their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried.'
'Oh, yes, I know they do that,' said Glenda. 'How would people get worried if they weren't told how to be?' (UA)
'You see, the thing about football is that it is not just about football.' (UA)
'No civil police force could hold out against an irate and resolute population. The trick is not to let them realize that.' (UA)
'It does look as if football is very much like diplomacy: short periods of fighting followed by long periods of negotiation.' (UA)
'We are going to stick to the rules. And the thing about sticking to the rules is that it's sometimes better than cheating.' (UA)
'This is football, Mister Shank, it's all weird kids' stuff.' (UA)
'Well, for the proper working of the world, said Lady Margolotta, 'it is essential that ring binders are important to at least one person.' (UA)
'The way to retain power I have always thought, is to ensure the absolute unthinkability of oneself not being there.' (UA)
'There should be no slaves, even slaves to instinct.' (UA)
'… what is a pie to a happy ending?' (UA)
Who ever heard of a man resigning from UU? It was something that simply did not happen! Sometimes people left in disgrace, in a box or, in a few cases, in bits, but there was no tradition of resigning at all. Tenure at Unseen University was for life, and often a long way beyond. (UA)
The Office of Master of The Traditions had fallen inevitably on Ponder Stibbons, who tended to get all the jobs that required someone who thought that things should happen on time and that numbers should add up. (UA)
Unfortunately, Ponder was a clear logical thinker who, in times of mental confusion, fell back on reason and honesty, which, when dealing with an angry Archchancellor, were to use the proper academic term, unhelpful. And he neglected to think strategically, always a mistake when talking to fellow academics, and as a result made the mistake of employing, as at this point, common sense. (UA)
Nothing cleans stubborn stains like suppressed anger. (UA)
… if you worked in the vats it meant that, as far as the job market was concerned, you had been accelerating when you'd hit the bottom of the barrel and had been drilled into the bedrock. It meant that you no longer had enough charisma to be a beggar. It meant that you were on the run from something, possibly the gods themselves, or the demons inside you. It meant that if you dared look up you would see, high above you, the dregs of society. (UA)
'I have a very fast metabolism,' said Nutt.
'I don't mind about that,' said Glenda, 'so long as you don't go showing it to people.' (UA)
The last thing she wanted was to see her friend getting ideas in her head. There was such a lot of room in there for them to bounce around and do damage. (UA)
She read the way a cat eats: furtively, daring anyone to notice. (UA)
It was amazing, he thought, how people would argue against figures on no better basis than 'they must be wrong'.
'I'm sure the Bursar would not agree with those figures,' said the Senior Wrangler sourly.
'That is so,' said Ponder, 'but I'm afraid that is because he regards the decimal point as a nuisance'. (UA)
'Three cheeses isn't a choice, it's a penance!' (UA)
'If all else fails, we will find volunteers from the student body,' said Ridcully.
'Corpse might be a better word.' (UA)
'Are you seriously suggesting that we give out degrees for mere physical prowess?' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
'No, of course not. I am seriously suggesting that we give out degrees for extreme physical prowess.' (UA)
'The University Council at the time took the decent view that it might be the moment for a leader who was not stupid, mad or dead. Admittedly, most of these are not exactly qualifications in the normal sense, but I like to think that the skill of leadership, tactics and creative cheating that I learned on the river stood me in good stead.' (UA)
The bringer of bad news is never popular, especially when it's on an empty plate. (UA)
Ponder plunged on, because when you have dived off a cliff your only hope is to press for the abolition of gravity. (UA)
Glenda and Juliet sat side by side, rocking gently to the sway, lost in their thoughts. At least Glenda was, Juliet could get lost in half a thought, if that. (UA)
… arguing with her friend was like punching mist. (UA)
… you could afford to buy beer or you could afford to buy paint and you couldn't drink paint unless you were Mr Johnson at number fourteen, who apparently drunk it all the time. (UA)
Learning had to be digested. You didn't just have to know, you have to comprehend. (UA)
'… they ranged in size from unpleasantly large to disgustingly small, had about the same level of culture as yoghurt and spent their time picking their own noses and missing.' (UA)
'They are the ones that go on about what happens if ladies don't get enough mutton, and they say cigars are -'
'That's a fallacy!'
'That's right, that's what I read.' (UA)
There are those who say that sherry should not be drunk early in the morning. They are wrong (UA)
'… what the wise man cannot change he must channel.' (UA)
'As a wizard I must tell you that words have power'.
'As a politician I must tell you I already know'. (UA)
'Cunning: artful, sly, deceptive, shrewd, astute, cute, on the ball and, indeed, arch. A word for any praise and every prejudice. Cunning … is a cunning word.' (UA)
'Cometh the hour, cometh the … whatever. General comethness, perhaps.' (UA)
Truth is female, since truth is beauty rather than handsomeness, this Ridcully reflected as the Council grumbled in, would certainly explain the saying that a lie could run around the world before Truth has got its, correction, her boots on, since she would have to choose which pair – the idea that any woman in a position to choose would have just one pair of boots being beyond rational belief. (UA)
… he decided not on the whole truth, but instead on nothing but the truth, which dispensed with the need for honesty. (UA)
Be one of the crowd? It went against everything a wizard stood for, and a wizard would not stand for anything if he could sit down for it, but even sitting down, you had to stand out. (UA)
Apes had it worked out. No ape would philosophize, 'The mountain is and is not.' They would think, 'The banana is. I will eat the banana. There is no banana. I want another banana.' (UA)
Confusion always helped, when it wasn't yours; when it was time for a hue and cry, make sure who was hue. (UA)
'You two have a history, I think,' said Nutt.
'You are a sharp one, aren't you? Quiet and sharp. Like a knife. Yeah, I suppose it was a history. I wanted it to be more of a geography, but she kept slappin' my hand.' (UA)
… since tired coppers didn't like having to do something, they did it good and hard, so with any luck they wouldn't have to do it again any time soon. (UA)
'Coppers are never nosy, Mister Likely. However, sometimes we ask tangential questions'. (UA)
'Smart is only a polished version of dumb. Try intelligence. It will surely see you through'. (UA)
Glenda enjoyed her job. She didn't have a career; they were for people who could not hold down jobs. (UA)
She was, of course, beautiful. You seldom saw a goddess portrayed as ugly. This probably had something to do with their ability to strike people down instantly. (UA)
… if there were two things the city liked, it was tradition and goddesses, especially if the goddesses were a bit short on chiffon above the waist. (UA)
'All her clothes might fall off. I am sorry about this, but it appears to be a by-product of the whole business of poetry.' (UA)
'In any case the rules don't concern us at this point. We have to play the game in any eventuality and so we will abide by them in the best traditions of sportsmanship until we have worked out where they may be most usefully broken to our advantage'. (UA)
Food was their cup of tea, and if possible their slice of cake too. (UA)
'It's hard to hate people who are a long way away. You forget how dreadful they are. But you see a neighbour's warts every day'. (UA)
'Now, I am concluding this meeting, although what it has in fact concluded I shall decide later.' (UA)
A dwarf on the up and up was really on his uppers, and upper-class dwarfs were lower class. A dwarf who was rich, healthy and had respect and his own rat farm justifiably felt at rock bottom and was held in low esteem. When you talked to dwarfs, you turned your mind upside down. (UA)
Dwarfs have a straightforward approach to alcoholic drink: beer, mead, wine, sherry – one large size fits all. (UA)
Wizards were competitive. It was part of wizardry. Wizards have no more idea of a friendly game than cats have of a friendly mouse. (UA)
… any female of any sapient species knows the look of a man who has nothing very much to do in an environment that, for this time, is clearly occupied by and totally under the control of females. It looked as though they were on guard. (UA)
'… you have to grab life or drop back into the crab bucket.' (UA)
Like many large people, she could move as quietly as the balloon she resembled. (UA)
'There are more things in Heaven and Disc than are dreamed of in our philosophies.'
'I expect so, sir. I don't have many things in my philosophies.' (UA)
'… dwarfs, while the salt of the earth, don't have much of a grasp of small numbers …' (UA)
… a wizard could trust you because of the hellish future he could unleash on you if his trust was betrayed. (UA)
… he didn't like people much, an affliction that affects many who have to deal with the general public over a long period … (UA)
Sometimes if you wanted to go to the ball you had to be your own fairy godmother. (UA)
'Pick the teams alternately so one of you ends up with the weird kid and the other with the fat kid. Some of the fastest mathematics of all time has been achieved by team captains trying not to end up with the weird kid …' (UA)
'And you are telling me I'm wrong. Are you?'
'I would rather you thought of me as suggesting a way in which you could be even more right.' (UA)
… authority must back up authority, in public at least, otherwise there is no authority, and therefore the senior authority is forced to back up the junior authority, even if he, the senior authority, believes the junior authority is a tiresome little tit. (UA)
You didn't get anywhere at Unseen University without being able to understand the vast number of meaning that can be carried by the word ook. (UA)
'Beauty can be considered to be neutral, sir. It is not the same as nice or good.' (UA)
'I've got a huge workload!'
'Delegate!'
'You know I'm hopeless at delegating, sir!'
'Then delegate the job of delegating to someone who isn't!' (UA)
'… you know how it is with boundaries,' Ridcully mumbled. 'You look at what's on the other side and you realize why there was a boundary in the first place.' (UA)
'Of course we've all passed a lot of water over the bridge since then …' (UA)
Ponder Stibbons had once got one hundred percent in a prescience exam by getting there the previous day. (UA)
… a man could be dogmatic, and that was all right, or he could be stupid, and no harm done, but stupid and dogmatic at the same time was too much … (UA)
The right tone from a woman with her arms folded always bounces an answer out of an unprepared man before he has time to think, and even before he has time to think up a lie. (UA)
'… I see evil when I look in my shaving mirror. It is, philosophically, present everywhere in the universe in order, apparently, to highlight the existence of good. I think there is more to this theory, but I tend to burst out laughing at this point.' (UA)
'Why is there a certain cast of the military mind which leads sensible people to do again, with gusto, what didn't work before?' (UA)
'And that's when I first learned about evil. It is built in to the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior.' (UA)
Glenda, lurking among the serving girls, was taken aback and affronted at the same time, which was a bit of a squeeze … (UA)
And there is nothing more embarrassing than seeing a falling-down drunk except for when it is a falling-down drunk who is still standing up. (UA)
'We play and are played and the best we can hope for is to do it with style.' (UA)
'The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.'
Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. 'Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.' (UA)
'Young lady drink levels all mankind. It is the ultimate democrat, if you like that sort of thing. A drunk beggar is as drunk as a lord, and so is a lord. And have you ever noticed that all drunks can understand one another, no matter how drunk they are and how different their native tongues?' (UA)
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen. (UA)
'Don't be smart be clever.' (UA)
'… we are part of the scheme of things. Light and dark. Night and day. Sweet and sour. Good and evil (within acceptable college statutes). It just helps if we can have sensible and reliable people on both side …' (UA)
'… the leopard can change his shorts …' (UA)
Never, ever expect gratitude from those you help. (UA)
There things that were important and things that weren't, and times when you knew the difference. (UA)
'Oh, back in the olden days up in the Uberwald or somewhere they used to tear people to bits and eat them.'
'That's foreigners for you,' said the woman. (UA)
'… the more best you're capable of the more you should do.' (UA)
'Everybody knows trolls eat people and spit them out. Everybody knows dwarfs cut of you legs. But at the same time everybody knows that what everybody knows is wrong.' (UA)
'Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,' said Ponder. I seriously think they think that it's their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried.'
'Oh, yes, I know they do that,' said Glenda. 'How would people get worried if they weren't told how to be?' (UA)
'You see, the thing about football is that it is not just about football.' (UA)
'No civil police force could hold out against an irate and resolute population. The trick is not to let them realize that.' (UA)
'It does look as if football is very much like diplomacy: short periods of fighting followed by long periods of negotiation.' (UA)
'We are going to stick to the rules. And the thing about sticking to the rules is that it's sometimes better than cheating.' (UA)
'This is football, Mister Shank, it's all weird kids' stuff.' (UA)
'Well, for the proper working of the world, said Lady Margolotta, 'it is essential that ring binders are important to at least one person.' (UA)
'The way to retain power I have always thought, is to ensure the absolute unthinkability of oneself not being there.' (UA)
'There should be no slaves, even slaves to instinct.' (UA)
'… what is a pie to a happy ending?' (UA)
