The Unadulterated Cat
Almost every non-pedigree un-neutered tom is not only Real, but as it hangs around the house it gets Realer and Realer until one of you is left in absolutely no doubt as to its Realness. (UC)
Real cats are not simply self-possessed. Nor as they simply neurotic. They are both, at the same time, just like real people. (UC)
A Real cat's aim is to get through life peacefully, with as little interference from human beings as possible. Very much like real humans, in fact. (UC)
Cats have a way of always having been there even if they've only just arrived. They move in their own personal time. They act as if the human world is one they just happened to have stopped off in, on their way to somewhere that is possibly a whole lot more interesting. (UC)
Boot-faced cats aren't born but made, often because they've tried to outstare or occasionally rape a speeding car and have been repaired by a vet who just pulled all the bits together and stuck the stitches in where there was room. (UC)
If you meet a vegan it's bad form to give them the famous four-fingered V sign and say 'Live long and prosper.' That's for vulcans. Vegans are the ones with the paler complexions who can't disable people by touching them gently on the neck. (UC)
... never give a cat a name you would mind shouting out in a strained, worried voice around midnight while banging a tin bowl with a spoon. And stick to something short. (UC)
... you can't teach cats to do anything. No, not a thing. You might think you can, but that is because you've misunderstood what's going on.
You think it's the cat turning up obediently at the back door at ten o'clock for dinner. From the cat's point, a blob on legs has been trained to take a tin out of the fridge every night. (UC)
Cats make ideal time travellers because they can’t handle guns. This makes the major drawback of time travel– that you might accidentally shoot you own grandfather – very unlikely. (UC)
Animals loose in a car are never a good idea. Goats are generally the worst, but until you realise there’s a tortoise stuck under your brake pedal you’ve never known the meaning of fear, and possibly not the meaning of ‘old age’ either. (UC)
Real cats are not simply self-possessed. Nor as they simply neurotic. They are both, at the same time, just like real people. (UC)
A Real cat's aim is to get through life peacefully, with as little interference from human beings as possible. Very much like real humans, in fact. (UC)
Cats have a way of always having been there even if they've only just arrived. They move in their own personal time. They act as if the human world is one they just happened to have stopped off in, on their way to somewhere that is possibly a whole lot more interesting. (UC)
Boot-faced cats aren't born but made, often because they've tried to outstare or occasionally rape a speeding car and have been repaired by a vet who just pulled all the bits together and stuck the stitches in where there was room. (UC)
If you meet a vegan it's bad form to give them the famous four-fingered V sign and say 'Live long and prosper.' That's for vulcans. Vegans are the ones with the paler complexions who can't disable people by touching them gently on the neck. (UC)
... never give a cat a name you would mind shouting out in a strained, worried voice around midnight while banging a tin bowl with a spoon. And stick to something short. (UC)
... you can't teach cats to do anything. No, not a thing. You might think you can, but that is because you've misunderstood what's going on.
You think it's the cat turning up obediently at the back door at ten o'clock for dinner. From the cat's point, a blob on legs has been trained to take a tin out of the fridge every night. (UC)
Cats make ideal time travellers because they can’t handle guns. This makes the major drawback of time travel– that you might accidentally shoot you own grandfather – very unlikely. (UC)
Animals loose in a car are never a good idea. Goats are generally the worst, but until you realise there’s a tortoise stuck under your brake pedal you’ve never known the meaning of fear, and possibly not the meaning of ‘old age’ either. (UC)
