Snuff by Terry Pratchett

‘Aristocrats don’t notice philosophical conundra. They just ignore them.  Philosophy includes contemplating the possibility that you might be wrong, sir, and a real aristocrat knows that he is always right.  It’s not vanity, you understand, it’s built-in absolute certainty.  They may sometimes be as mad as a hatful of spoons, but they are always definitely and certainly mad.’  (Sn)

You could fish in the River Ankh, provided you took care not to catch anything.  In fact it was amazing what you could catch by just letting one drop of the Ankh pass you lips.  (Sn)

Everyone should occasionally break the law in some small and delightful way, Drumknott.  It’s good for the hygiene of the brain.’  (Sn)

There was no point in arguing with Sybil, because even if you thought you’d won, it would turn out, by some magic unavailable to husbands, that you had, in fact, been totally misinformed.  (Sn)

Why did they never find a vegetable that was bad for you, hey?  And what was so wrong with onion gravy anyway?  It has onions in it didn’t it?  They made you fart, didn’t they?  That was good for you, wasn’t it?  He was sure he had read that somewhere.  (Sn)

Do you know why it’s called the countryside, Carrot?  Because there’s bloody nothing there except damn trees, which we’re supposed to make a fuss about, but really they’re just stiff weeds!’  (Sn)

‘… some of the most terrible things in the world are done by people who think, genuinely think, that they’re doing it for the best, especially if there is some god involved.’  (Sn)

‘Not all questions are answered, commander, but fortunately some answers are questioned.’  (Sn)

And it was all about survival, and survival was all about pride.  You didn’t have much control over your life, but by Jimmy you could keep it clean and show the world you were poor but respectable.  (Sn)

They were crude weapons, to be sure, but a flint axe hitting your head does not need a degree in physics.  (Sn)

Well, we live and learn, Vimes thought, or perhaps more importantly, we learn and live.  (Sn)

All long-term couples have their code.  Classically there is one that the wife uses in polite conversation to warn her husband that, because of hasty dressing, or absent-mindedness, he is becoming exposed in the crotch department.  (Sn)

… you could forgive anyone who could score from the centre spot …  (Sn)

‘… the only important thing in a fight to the death is that the death should not be yours.’  (Sn)

‘ … there is also the possibility of becoming a matron if you reach the specified weight.’  (Sn)

It was often a good idea, Vimes had always found, to give the silly bits of the brain something to do, so they did not interfere with the important ones which had a proper job to fulfil.  (Sn)

He was a scallywag, a chancer, a ruthless fighter and a dangerous driver of bargains over the speed limit.  Since it was a bit of a mouthful, he was referred to as a successful businessman, since that more or less amounted to the same thing.  (Sn)

… if he gets out and away then you would find yourself in a situation so problematical that the word “problem” just would not fit the situation.’  (Sn)

‘… there’s always an easy way, and then again, there’s always the hard way.  Currently, this is the easy way, but the hard way is also quite easy, in a manner of speaking.’  (Sn)

… what good is a snooker room without smoke twisting among the lights and turning the air a desolate blue, the colour of dead hopes and lost chances?  (Sn)

‘… the worst thing you can do is nothing.’  (Sn)

Sometimes you had to take a look at yourself and then look away.  (Sn)

‘I dream of dangerous places.’  (Sn)

‘… what kind of issues of survival arise during double-entry bookkeeping?’
A.E. Pessimal sighed.  ‘It can get pretty hazardous as the end of the fiscal year draws near, captain.’  (Sn)

‘… how hard can writing be?  After all, most of the words are going to be and, the  and I and it, and so on, and there’s a huge number to choose from, so a lot of the work has already been done for you.’ (Sn)

‘Goodness is about what you do.  Not what you pray to.’  (Sn)

… it is generally agreed that water has memory.  It knew the score: you evaporated, you floated around in a cloud until somebody organised everybody, and then you all fell down as rain.  (Sn)

… the venerable philosopher Ly Tin Wheedle says, you have to do something or be considered, in the great scheme of things, a tit.  (Sn)

‘There is no race so wretched that there is not something out there that cares for them …’  (Sn)

… I’m too damn scared to tell Feeney that I’m too damn scared.  Hah, the story of my life, too much of a damn coward to be a coward!  (Sn)

Regrettably Sybil was right.  At his age you had to be sensible.  You sometimes had to catch your breath, while you still had some.  (Sn)

They are said to be incapable of lying, although this piece of information has been provided by the Zoons themselves, causing, as it were, a philosophical conundrum.  (Sn)

… he might not only have bitten off more than he could chew, but also more than he could lift.  (Sn)

‘… it’s quite easy for people to be jolly decent when they can afford to hire thoroughly un-decent people …’ (Sn)

‘What is normal?  Normal is yesterday and last week and last month taken together.’ (Sn)

…Commander Vimes didn’t like the phrase ‘The innocent have nothing to fear’, believing the innocent had everything to fear, mostly from the guilty but in the longer term even more from those who say things like ‘The innocent have nothing to fear’ … (Sn)

You didn’t need to be a cynic, you just had to understand people.  (Sn)

It is a strange thing to find yourself doing something you have apparently always wanted to do, when in fact up until that moment you had never known that you always wanted to do it …. (Sn)

…periwinkles, like cockles and whelks, might be considered the snot of the sea. (Sn)

When you aren’t expecting it, that’s when you should expect it!  (Sn)

It was true that every organization had to have its backbone, and therefore it stood to reason that there also would have to be some person who equated to the bits usually destined for dog food.  (Sn)

‘…sometimes you should follow the arrogance … You should look for those who can’t believe that the law would ever catch them, who believe that they act out of a right that the rest of us do not have.  The job of the officer of the law is to let them know that they are wrong!’  (Sn)

His job was to make sense of the world, and there were times when he wished that the world would meet him halfway.  (Sn)

… the good guy was the good guy because he didn’t want anyone to see him being bad.  He did not want to be ashamed.  He did not want to be the darkness.  (Sn)

… a crowbar is a universal pass key.  (Sn)

‘What are we going to do, commander?’
And Vimes blinked and said, ‘Everything!’  (Sn)

‘… some music can follow you for ever.’  (Sn)

The man’s face so assiduously betrayed nothing that it betrayed everything.  (Sn)

‘Do not seek perfection.  None exists.  All we can do is strive.’  (Sn)

‘All of us hope for a little redemption, whether we deserve it or not.’  (Sn)

‘I have to negotiate this problem, and, believe me, it’s going to take a lot of quid for the pro quo.’  (Sn)

‘… the law cannot operate retrospectively.  If it did none of us would be safe.’  (Sn)

‘How went your holidays, apart from lawless actions, ad hoc activities, fights, chases on both land and sea and indeed fresh water, unauthorized expenditure and, of course, farting in the halls of the mighty?’  (Sn)

So much paperwork to read!  So much paperwork to push away!  So much paperwork to delegate!  So much paperwork to pretend he hadn’t received and might have been eaten by the gargoyles.  (Sn)

… they were a cunning bunch, poets, and could sneak up on you when your back was turned.  (Sn)

‘… there has to be some justice in the world, you see, not necessarily law justice but justice justice, and that’s why I’m going to kill you.’  (Sn)