Quotes from Nobby Nobbs
... You walk along the Streets at Night shouting, It's Twelve O'clock and All's Well. I said, What if it is not all well, and he said, You bloody find another street. (GG)
Nobby had survived any number of famous massacres by not being there. (GG)
It always amazed Vimes how Nobby got along with practically everyone. It must, he’d decided, have something to do with the common denominator. In the entire world of mathematics there could be no denominator as common as Nobby. (GG)
The only reason you couldn’t say that Nobby was close to the animal kingdom was that the animal kingdom would get up and walk away. (GG)
'E’s fighting in there!’ he stuttered, grabbing the captain’s arm. ‘All by himself?’ said the captain.
‘No, with everyone!’ shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other. (GG)
'Disgusting, really, her livin’ in a room like this. She’s got pots of money, sarge says, she’s got no call livin’ in ordinary rooms. What’s the good of not wanting to be poor if the rich are allowed to go round livin’ in ordinary rooms?' (GG)
'Well, Nobby, you’re what I might call a career soldier, right?’
‘‘S’right, Fred.’
‘How many dishonourable discharges have you had?’
‘Lots,’ said Nobby, proudly. ‘But I always puts a poultice on ‘em.' (MA)
'Well, I think,’said Nobby, ‘that when you have ruled out the impossible, what is left, however improbable, ain’t worth hanging around on a cold night wonderin’ about when you could be getting on the outside of a big drink.' (Ma)
You never ever volunteered. Not even if a sergeant stood there and said, ‘We need someone to drink alcohol, bottles of, and make love, passionate, to women, for the use of.’ There was always a snag. If a choir of angels asked for volunteers for Paradise to step forward, Nobby knew enough to take one smart pace to the rear. (FC)
When Nobby had gone Vimes reached behind the desk and picked up a faded copy of Twurp’s Peerage or, as he personally thought of it, the guide to the criminal classes. You wouldn’t find slum dwellers in these pages, but you would find their landlords. And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions. (FC)
He'd heard rumors - who hadn’t? - that working in the Watch was the rightful king of Ankh-Morpork. He’d have to admit that, if you wanted to hide a secret heir to the throne, you couldn’t possibly hide him more carefully than under the face of C.W. St.J. Nobbs. (FC)
'It’s astonishing. Frankly astonishing. The man actually has charisn’tma.’
‘Your meaning?’
‘I mean he’s so dreadful he fascinates people.' (FC)
‘You never get bad fortunes in cookies, ever noticed that? They never say stuff like: “Oh dear, things’re going to be really bad.” I mean, they’re never misfortune cookies.’
Vimes lit a cigar and shook the match to put it out. ‘That, Corporal, is because of one of the fundamental driving forces of the universe.’
‘What? Like, people who read fortune cookies are the lucky ones?’ said Nobby.
‘No. Because people who sell fortune cookies want to go on selling them.’ (FC)
'They always give me bath salts,’ complained Nobby. ‘And bath soap and bubble bath and herbal bath lumps and tons of bath stuff and I can’t think why, ‘cos it’s not as if I hardly every has a bath. You’d think they’d take the hint, wouldn’t you?' (H)
Good and bad were, to Nobby’s way of thinking, entirely relative terms. Most of his relatives, for example, were criminals. (H)
Animals tended to like Nobby. He didn’t smell wrong. (J)
'C’mon, sarge, you know it’s not a proper tattoo unless no-one can remember how it got there.' (J)
'It's a far, far better thing I do now than I have ever done before,’ said Nobby.
‘Right,’ said Sergeant Colon. They walked on in silence for a while and he added: ‘O’ course, that’s not difficult.' (J)
'I don’t know how to do officering.’
‘No one knows how to do officering, Fred. That’s why they’re officers. If they knew anything, they’d be sergeants.' (FE)
Vimes had once discussed the Ephebian idea of ‘democracy’ with Carrot and had been rather interested in the idea that everyone* had a vote until he found out that while he, Vimes, would have a vote, there was no way in the rules that anyone could prevent Nobby Nobbs from having one as well. Vimes could see the flaw there straight away.
*Apart from the women, children, slaves, idiots and people who weren’t really our kind of people (FE)
Nobby was human, just like many other officers. It was just that he was the only one who had to carry a certificate to prove it. (NW)
'An' there's some kid outside says he’s got to speak to you, hnah, specially,’ Snouty went on. ‘Shall I give him a clip alongside the head?’
‘What does he smell like?' said Vimes, sipping the scalding corrosive tea.
‘Bottom of a baboon’s cage, sarge.’
‘Ah, Nobby Nobbs.' (NW)
'... young lady wearing two sequins and a bootlace comes up and says she’s a friend of yours! I did not know where to put my face!’
‘You’re not supposed to put it anywhere, sarge. They throw you out for that sort of thing,’ said Nobby. (Th)
'Dancing around without her vest and practic’ly no drawers on. Is that any way to behave?’
Nobby considered this deep metaphysical question from various angles. ‘Er…yes?’ he ventured. (Th)
'We’ve had a burglareah, officer!’
‘Burglar rear?’ said Nobby.
‘Oh dear, sir,’ said Colon, putting a warning on the corporal’s shoulder. ‘Anything taken?’
‘Years, I rather think that’s hwhy it was a burglareah.' (Th)
‘That’s very high-class talkin’, that is.’
‘I can hardly understand him!’
‘Shows it’s high class, Nobby. It wouldn’t be much good if people like you could understand him, right?' (Th)
'War, Nobby. Huh! What’s it good for?’ he said.
‘Dunno, sarge. Freeing slaves, maybe?’
‘Absol-Well, okay.’
‘Defending yourself from a totalitarian aggressor?’
‘All right, I’ll grant you that, but -’
‘Saving civilization against a horde of -’
‘It doesn’t do any good in the long run is what I’m saying, Nobby, if you’d listen for five seconds together,’ said Fred Colon sharply.
‘Yeah, but in the long run what does, sarge?' (Th)
It was true that every organization had to have its backbone, and therefore it stood to reason that there also would have to be some person who equated to the bits usually destined for dog food. (Sn)
Colon and Nobby had lived a long time in a dangerous occupation and the knew how not to be dead. To wit, by arriving when the bad guys had got away. (RS)
There are certainly hidden depths to Nobby, but no one has been brave enough to feel around and find out what’s in them. (PP)
'I call it highly suspicious, being dead like that. He’s been drinking, too. We could do him for being dead and disorderly.' (TOC)
Corporal Nobbs had chalked the outline of the corpse on the ground (colouring it in, and adding a pipe and a walking stick and some trees and bushes in the background – people had already dropped 7p in his helmet). (TOC)
Nobby had survived any number of famous massacres by not being there. (GG)
It always amazed Vimes how Nobby got along with practically everyone. It must, he’d decided, have something to do with the common denominator. In the entire world of mathematics there could be no denominator as common as Nobby. (GG)
The only reason you couldn’t say that Nobby was close to the animal kingdom was that the animal kingdom would get up and walk away. (GG)
'E’s fighting in there!’ he stuttered, grabbing the captain’s arm. ‘All by himself?’ said the captain.
‘No, with everyone!’ shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other. (GG)
'Disgusting, really, her livin’ in a room like this. She’s got pots of money, sarge says, she’s got no call livin’ in ordinary rooms. What’s the good of not wanting to be poor if the rich are allowed to go round livin’ in ordinary rooms?' (GG)
'Well, Nobby, you’re what I might call a career soldier, right?’
‘‘S’right, Fred.’
‘How many dishonourable discharges have you had?’
‘Lots,’ said Nobby, proudly. ‘But I always puts a poultice on ‘em.' (MA)
'Well, I think,’said Nobby, ‘that when you have ruled out the impossible, what is left, however improbable, ain’t worth hanging around on a cold night wonderin’ about when you could be getting on the outside of a big drink.' (Ma)
You never ever volunteered. Not even if a sergeant stood there and said, ‘We need someone to drink alcohol, bottles of, and make love, passionate, to women, for the use of.’ There was always a snag. If a choir of angels asked for volunteers for Paradise to step forward, Nobby knew enough to take one smart pace to the rear. (FC)
When Nobby had gone Vimes reached behind the desk and picked up a faded copy of Twurp’s Peerage or, as he personally thought of it, the guide to the criminal classes. You wouldn’t find slum dwellers in these pages, but you would find their landlords. And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions. (FC)
He'd heard rumors - who hadn’t? - that working in the Watch was the rightful king of Ankh-Morpork. He’d have to admit that, if you wanted to hide a secret heir to the throne, you couldn’t possibly hide him more carefully than under the face of C.W. St.J. Nobbs. (FC)
'It’s astonishing. Frankly astonishing. The man actually has charisn’tma.’
‘Your meaning?’
‘I mean he’s so dreadful he fascinates people.' (FC)
‘You never get bad fortunes in cookies, ever noticed that? They never say stuff like: “Oh dear, things’re going to be really bad.” I mean, they’re never misfortune cookies.’
Vimes lit a cigar and shook the match to put it out. ‘That, Corporal, is because of one of the fundamental driving forces of the universe.’
‘What? Like, people who read fortune cookies are the lucky ones?’ said Nobby.
‘No. Because people who sell fortune cookies want to go on selling them.’ (FC)
'They always give me bath salts,’ complained Nobby. ‘And bath soap and bubble bath and herbal bath lumps and tons of bath stuff and I can’t think why, ‘cos it’s not as if I hardly every has a bath. You’d think they’d take the hint, wouldn’t you?' (H)
Good and bad were, to Nobby’s way of thinking, entirely relative terms. Most of his relatives, for example, were criminals. (H)
Animals tended to like Nobby. He didn’t smell wrong. (J)
'C’mon, sarge, you know it’s not a proper tattoo unless no-one can remember how it got there.' (J)
'It's a far, far better thing I do now than I have ever done before,’ said Nobby.
‘Right,’ said Sergeant Colon. They walked on in silence for a while and he added: ‘O’ course, that’s not difficult.' (J)
'I don’t know how to do officering.’
‘No one knows how to do officering, Fred. That’s why they’re officers. If they knew anything, they’d be sergeants.' (FE)
Vimes had once discussed the Ephebian idea of ‘democracy’ with Carrot and had been rather interested in the idea that everyone* had a vote until he found out that while he, Vimes, would have a vote, there was no way in the rules that anyone could prevent Nobby Nobbs from having one as well. Vimes could see the flaw there straight away.
*Apart from the women, children, slaves, idiots and people who weren’t really our kind of people (FE)
Nobby was human, just like many other officers. It was just that he was the only one who had to carry a certificate to prove it. (NW)
'An' there's some kid outside says he’s got to speak to you, hnah, specially,’ Snouty went on. ‘Shall I give him a clip alongside the head?’
‘What does he smell like?' said Vimes, sipping the scalding corrosive tea.
‘Bottom of a baboon’s cage, sarge.’
‘Ah, Nobby Nobbs.' (NW)
'... young lady wearing two sequins and a bootlace comes up and says she’s a friend of yours! I did not know where to put my face!’
‘You’re not supposed to put it anywhere, sarge. They throw you out for that sort of thing,’ said Nobby. (Th)
'Dancing around without her vest and practic’ly no drawers on. Is that any way to behave?’
Nobby considered this deep metaphysical question from various angles. ‘Er…yes?’ he ventured. (Th)
'We’ve had a burglareah, officer!’
‘Burglar rear?’ said Nobby.
‘Oh dear, sir,’ said Colon, putting a warning on the corporal’s shoulder. ‘Anything taken?’
‘Years, I rather think that’s hwhy it was a burglareah.' (Th)
‘That’s very high-class talkin’, that is.’
‘I can hardly understand him!’
‘Shows it’s high class, Nobby. It wouldn’t be much good if people like you could understand him, right?' (Th)
'War, Nobby. Huh! What’s it good for?’ he said.
‘Dunno, sarge. Freeing slaves, maybe?’
‘Absol-Well, okay.’
‘Defending yourself from a totalitarian aggressor?’
‘All right, I’ll grant you that, but -’
‘Saving civilization against a horde of -’
‘It doesn’t do any good in the long run is what I’m saying, Nobby, if you’d listen for five seconds together,’ said Fred Colon sharply.
‘Yeah, but in the long run what does, sarge?' (Th)
It was true that every organization had to have its backbone, and therefore it stood to reason that there also would have to be some person who equated to the bits usually destined for dog food. (Sn)
Colon and Nobby had lived a long time in a dangerous occupation and the knew how not to be dead. To wit, by arriving when the bad guys had got away. (RS)
There are certainly hidden depths to Nobby, but no one has been brave enough to feel around and find out what’s in them. (PP)
'I call it highly suspicious, being dead like that. He’s been drinking, too. We could do him for being dead and disorderly.' (TOC)
Corporal Nobbs had chalked the outline of the corpse on the ground (colouring it in, and adding a pipe and a walking stick and some trees and bushes in the background – people had already dropped 7p in his helmet). (TOC)