Nanny Ogg's Cookbook by Terry Pratchett
I reckon if a crystal’s so lucky, how come it’s ended up as a bit of rock? I don’t trust all this occult, you never know who had it last. (NOC)
... good manners started to happen as soon as all the mammoths were killed off and there was no piece of food big enough for everyone to eat at the same time. (NOC)
…Mrs Ogg has a very vague attitude to lengths except in humorously anatomical areas. (NOC)
... most human food with the possible exception of the custard pie has never been designed for offensive purposes. (NOC)
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, which just goes to show they’re as confused about anatomy as they gen’rally are about everything else, unless they’re talking about instructions on how to stab him, in which case a better way is up and under the ribcage. (NOC)
I’ve got nothing against men. Quite the contrary. But they can’t cook. Oh, they can cuisine like no one’s business. Put them in some huge kitchen with dozens of chefs and skivvies to shout at and they can manage to fry an egg and arrange it delicately on the plate with sprigs of this and that on a bed of somethin’ vaguely sinister, but ask them to serve up meals every day to a huge bunch of hungry kids on a budget of sixpence and they’ll have a bit of a headache. I daresay there are men who can manage it, but usually when I hear someone say that a husband cooks, I generally reckon it means he’s got a recipe for something expensive and he does it twice a year. And then leaves the pans in the sink ‘to soak’. (NOC)
... it isn’t cookery books that are needed half so much as cooks who know what they are doing and can make a meal out of anything. (NOC)
It’s amazing what you can do with a little charm and a lot of blackmail. (NOC)
If some food wasn’t so expensive, no one would eat it. (NOC)
However efficient a ruler may be, there is always someone, isn’t there, who feels that his diet might be improved by some artificial additive, such as arsenic. (NOC)
…Slumpie is a bit like chop suey, which is Agatean for ‘all the labels have fallen off the tins’, and you can make it out of more or less anything so long as you call it Slumpie. (NOC)
…he was looking for the Fountain of Youth and the odd thing about this sort of business is that it’s never, ever close to. You’d think, on average, that some of these lost fountains of youth, tree of life and cities of gold would be really close, but they never are. And you never get people from a long way off coming to our part of the world lookin’ for, as it might be, the Cottage of Doom or the Lost Chicken Shed. (NOC)
... the art of cuisine is to make something out of nothing and charge a lot of money doing it... (NOC)
Sometimes I reckon it would be better if there was a Fountain of Growing Up. (NOC)
... to my mind things are only suggestive if you're open to suggestion. (NOC)
... many people will put into their mouth something in a foreign language that they wouldn't even feed to a dog in their native tongue. (NOC)
Sure enough, once you've got enough food, people will invent etiquette.
People say to me, what is this etiquette? And the answer is, it is what people have to use if they don't have good manners. (NOC)
Witches are very lucky people to know, especially happy witches. (NOC)
When receiving visitors, wizards expect a present of cake. In return, when wizards visit you, they bring an appetite. (NOC)
It is said that, if you leave a saucer of milk out for the pictsies, they will break into your cottage and steal everything in your drinks cabinet. (NOC)
... witches sit where they like ... (NOC)
No one likes an untidy cheese. (NOC)
... when offered port you should say, ‘Ah, yes, I will have a little port.’ Everyone says this. You have to say it even if what you intend is a lot of port. (NOC)
If you are a king your daughter will be beautiful. People have tried all kinds of aids to beauty, like washing in the morning dew, shoving yoghurt on their faces, etc, but for my money the best way to be beautiful is to have a dad with a lot of money and a bunch of armed men. It’s just amazin’ how people will spontaneously see what a beautiful princess you are in those circumstances. (NOC)
... the stories are out there and it’s up to you to leap on ‘em... (NOC)
... I was once a rather shy girl who had difficulty meeting young men. But it wore off by mid-morning when I realized what I was doing wrong. (NOC)
It is a truth self evident that a man in possession of his own teeth, a decent pair of boots, a couple of acres of land and some pigs that need feeding must be in want of a wife. (NOC)
... nothing flusters people so much as an unexpected king. (NOC)
... good manners started to happen as soon as all the mammoths were killed off and there was no piece of food big enough for everyone to eat at the same time. (NOC)
…Mrs Ogg has a very vague attitude to lengths except in humorously anatomical areas. (NOC)
... most human food with the possible exception of the custard pie has never been designed for offensive purposes. (NOC)
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, which just goes to show they’re as confused about anatomy as they gen’rally are about everything else, unless they’re talking about instructions on how to stab him, in which case a better way is up and under the ribcage. (NOC)
I’ve got nothing against men. Quite the contrary. But they can’t cook. Oh, they can cuisine like no one’s business. Put them in some huge kitchen with dozens of chefs and skivvies to shout at and they can manage to fry an egg and arrange it delicately on the plate with sprigs of this and that on a bed of somethin’ vaguely sinister, but ask them to serve up meals every day to a huge bunch of hungry kids on a budget of sixpence and they’ll have a bit of a headache. I daresay there are men who can manage it, but usually when I hear someone say that a husband cooks, I generally reckon it means he’s got a recipe for something expensive and he does it twice a year. And then leaves the pans in the sink ‘to soak’. (NOC)
... it isn’t cookery books that are needed half so much as cooks who know what they are doing and can make a meal out of anything. (NOC)
It’s amazing what you can do with a little charm and a lot of blackmail. (NOC)
If some food wasn’t so expensive, no one would eat it. (NOC)
However efficient a ruler may be, there is always someone, isn’t there, who feels that his diet might be improved by some artificial additive, such as arsenic. (NOC)
…Slumpie is a bit like chop suey, which is Agatean for ‘all the labels have fallen off the tins’, and you can make it out of more or less anything so long as you call it Slumpie. (NOC)
…he was looking for the Fountain of Youth and the odd thing about this sort of business is that it’s never, ever close to. You’d think, on average, that some of these lost fountains of youth, tree of life and cities of gold would be really close, but they never are. And you never get people from a long way off coming to our part of the world lookin’ for, as it might be, the Cottage of Doom or the Lost Chicken Shed. (NOC)
... the art of cuisine is to make something out of nothing and charge a lot of money doing it... (NOC)
Sometimes I reckon it would be better if there was a Fountain of Growing Up. (NOC)
... to my mind things are only suggestive if you're open to suggestion. (NOC)
... many people will put into their mouth something in a foreign language that they wouldn't even feed to a dog in their native tongue. (NOC)
Sure enough, once you've got enough food, people will invent etiquette.
People say to me, what is this etiquette? And the answer is, it is what people have to use if they don't have good manners. (NOC)
Witches are very lucky people to know, especially happy witches. (NOC)
When receiving visitors, wizards expect a present of cake. In return, when wizards visit you, they bring an appetite. (NOC)
It is said that, if you leave a saucer of milk out for the pictsies, they will break into your cottage and steal everything in your drinks cabinet. (NOC)
... witches sit where they like ... (NOC)
No one likes an untidy cheese. (NOC)
... when offered port you should say, ‘Ah, yes, I will have a little port.’ Everyone says this. You have to say it even if what you intend is a lot of port. (NOC)
If you are a king your daughter will be beautiful. People have tried all kinds of aids to beauty, like washing in the morning dew, shoving yoghurt on their faces, etc, but for my money the best way to be beautiful is to have a dad with a lot of money and a bunch of armed men. It’s just amazin’ how people will spontaneously see what a beautiful princess you are in those circumstances. (NOC)
... the stories are out there and it’s up to you to leap on ‘em... (NOC)
... I was once a rather shy girl who had difficulty meeting young men. But it wore off by mid-morning when I realized what I was doing wrong. (NOC)
It is a truth self evident that a man in possession of his own teeth, a decent pair of boots, a couple of acres of land and some pigs that need feeding must be in want of a wife. (NOC)
... nothing flusters people so much as an unexpected king. (NOC)