Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett
Think young male, that was the thing. Fart loudly and with self-satisfaction at a job well done… (MR)
...the place was one of those nowhere villages that existed only in order to avoid the embarrassment of having large empty places on the map. (MR)
‘Look, you know what I mean. You take a bunch of people who don’t seem any different from you and me, but when you add them all together you get this sort of huge raving maniac with national borders and an anthem.’ (MR)
‘He’s dead. However, credit where it’s due, he hasn’t let that stop him.’ (MR)
…trolls never had to stand at the back of the press of bodies, waving money and trying to catch the barman’s eye. (MR)
Several copies of the pamphlet seemed to have reached every home, even so. It was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners. (MR)
‘Few things interest a young man more than the contents of his nostrils.’ (MR)
He was stocky, running to plump, and one of those people who bustle about being helpful in a mildly annoying way, taking over small jobs that you wouldn’t have minded doing for yourself. (MR)
‘It’s only your country when they want you to get killed!’ said Tonker. (MR)
People see what they think is there. (MR)
‘…keep out of the way of officers, ‘cos they ain’t healthy. That’s what you learn in the army. The enemy dun’t really want to fight you, ‘cos the enemy is mostly blokes like you who want to go home with all their bits still on. But officers’ll get you killed.’ (MR)
Polly had been soldiering for only a couple of days, but already an instinct had developed. In summary, it was this: lie to officers. (MR)
‘No fresh vegetables, no fruit,’ said Shufti. ‘That’s a very binding diet, corp.’
‘Yeah, well, once battle commences I reckon you’ll find constipation’s the last thing on your mind,’ said Scallot. (MR)
‘…I think there’s no rule to stop me beating seven kinds of crap out of you until you tell me why you came here and when the rest of your mates are going to arrive. And that may take me some time, sir, because up until now I’ve only ever discovered five types of crap.’ (MR)
‘Special skills?’
‘Stayin’ alive, corporal, come what may.’ (MR)
‘It’s very ingenious.’
‘How does it work, then?’
‘Oh, I didn’t understand what he said. It was all about ... numbers. But it certainly sounded very clever.’ (MR)
…you are not the only one watching the world. Other people are people; while you watch them they watch you, and they think about you while you think about them. The world isn’t just about you. (MR)
‘Never talk to people who write things down.’ (MR)
... when in doubt, bustle. (MR)
A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what the size of the onion, the dish or the woman. (MR)
‘Bein’ a soldier is not hard. If it was, soldiers would not be able to do it.’ (MR)
‘There is only three things you need to remember, which are, viz: one obey orders two give it to the enemy good and hard three don’t die.’ (MR)
... that face that could only be called homely.*
* And even then it was the kind of home that had a burned-out vehicle on the lawn. (MR)
What goes around, comes around - or stops. (MR)
The trouble with Polly was that she had a mind that asked questions even when she really, really didn’t want to know the answers. (MR)
There was this about vampires: they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were…what was the word…deshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style. (MR)
‘“Pretty please with sprinkles on top” is not a recognised method of interrogation!’ (MR)
‘He’s a sergeant, and they don’t deserve no respect at all sir. I should know. They’re cunning and artful, if they’re any good. I wouldn’t mind if he was an officer, sir. But sergeants are clever.’ (MR)
‘He was “pressing his suit” in no small way, was he not?’
‘He didn’t have ironing in mind, sir!’ said Polly fervently. (MR)
‘I live in a city. I know sparrows from starlings. After that everything’s a duck as far as I’m concerned.’ (MR)
There was a bird whistle as Polly neared the hiding place. She identified this one as the sound of the Very Bad Bird Impersonator… (MR)
‘…he might be worth listening to. Even if you think he’ll only tell us lies. Because sometimes, sir, the way people tell you lies, if they tell you enough lies, well, they sort of…show you what shape the truth is, sir.’ (MR)
‘…you’re at home with the writin’ and readin’,’ grumbled Jackrum. ‘You can’t trust the people who do that stuff. They mess around with the world, and it turns out everything you know is wrong.’ (MR)
‘General Tacticus said the fate of a battle may depend upon the actions of one man in the right place, sergeant,’ said Blouse calmly.
‘And having a lot more soldiers than the other bugger, sir,’ Jackrum insisted. (MR)
It’s hard to be an ornithologist and walk through a wood when all around you the world is shouting: ‘Bugger off, this is my bush! Aargh, the nest thief! Have sex with me, I can make my chest big and red!’ (MR)
The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to those who think they’ve found it. (MR)
…you only thought the world would be better if it was run by women if you didn’t actually know many women. Or old women, at least. Take the whole thing about the dimity scarves. Women had to cover their hair on Fridays, but there was nothing about this in the Book, which was pretty dar- pretty damn rigorous about most things. It was just a custom. It was done because it was always done. And if you forgot, or didn’t want to, the old women got you. (MR)
‘It’s not lying when you do it to officers!’ (MR)
... the brain treacherously does not stop thinking just because you want it to... (MR)
Tea was an amazingly useful thing. It gave you an excuse to talk to anyone. (MR)
‘We must take advantage of the “tide of fortune”’.
‘I know about tides, sir. They leave little fish gaspin’.’ (MR)
‘A famous last stand, sir?’ said Jackrum. He spat expertly into the fire in the tumbledown hearth. ‘To hell with them, sir. That’s just a way of dyin’ famous!’ (MR)
It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink. (MR)
…it is always upsetting to find that the enemy is as bright as you. (MR)
Men take over. It is probably because of socks. (MR)
Igorina gave it as her cultural opinion that the stew was not only hearty but lungy and livery too. (MR)
‘The army may be crazy, but at least it’s crazy by numbers. It’s reliably insane.’ (MR)
‘To be frank, the problem here is not that you are women. As such, that is. But you persist in maintaining that you are. You see? We can’t have that.’ (MR)
‘So don’t any of you go thinking you can be artful about this, because when it comes to cunning, I am Mister Fox.’ (MR)
‘Revenge is not redress. Revenge is a wheel and it turns backwards. The dead are not your masters.’ (MR)
‘I wish people would not be so careless about what they believe.’ (MR)
Stopping a battle is much harder than starting it. Starting it only requires you to shout ‘Attack!’ but when you want to stop it, everyone is busy. (MR)
‘It’s all just...people.’ (MR)
‘I’ve learned to recognise the way people don’t say things.’ (MR)
If the landslide is big enough, even square pebbles will roll. (MR)
The pen might not be mightier than the sword, but maybe the printing press was heavier than the siege weapon. Just a few words can change everything… (MR)
Life was a process of finding out how far you could go, and you could probably go too far in finding out how far you could go. (MR)
This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs. (MR)
‘The army’s a piece of piss compared to running a pig farm and looking after three lazy brothers.’ (MR)
‘You’re a liar, sarge,’ said Polly. ‘Best I’ve ever heard. One last lie pays for all!’ (MR)
‘I thought they’d be better at it than men. Trouble was, they were better than the men at being like men.’ (MR)
‘Too many lies and there’s no truth to go back to.’ (MR)
…you might end up wondering what the truth really was, or whether there were lots of different kinds of truth. (MR)
Kisses don’t last. (MR)
…it wasn’t that good things were happening, it was just that bad things had stopped. (MR)
Caring for small things had to start with caring for big things… (MR)
The vampire gave her the kind of smile only a vampire can give. It would have been sheepish, if sheep had different teeth. (MR)
The enemy wasn’t men, or women, or the old, or even the dead. It was just bleedin’ stupid people who came in all varieties. And no one had the right to be stupid. (MR)
And the new day was a great big fish. (MR)
...the place was one of those nowhere villages that existed only in order to avoid the embarrassment of having large empty places on the map. (MR)
‘Look, you know what I mean. You take a bunch of people who don’t seem any different from you and me, but when you add them all together you get this sort of huge raving maniac with national borders and an anthem.’ (MR)
‘He’s dead. However, credit where it’s due, he hasn’t let that stop him.’ (MR)
…trolls never had to stand at the back of the press of bodies, waving money and trying to catch the barman’s eye. (MR)
Several copies of the pamphlet seemed to have reached every home, even so. It was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners. (MR)
‘Few things interest a young man more than the contents of his nostrils.’ (MR)
He was stocky, running to plump, and one of those people who bustle about being helpful in a mildly annoying way, taking over small jobs that you wouldn’t have minded doing for yourself. (MR)
‘It’s only your country when they want you to get killed!’ said Tonker. (MR)
People see what they think is there. (MR)
‘…keep out of the way of officers, ‘cos they ain’t healthy. That’s what you learn in the army. The enemy dun’t really want to fight you, ‘cos the enemy is mostly blokes like you who want to go home with all their bits still on. But officers’ll get you killed.’ (MR)
Polly had been soldiering for only a couple of days, but already an instinct had developed. In summary, it was this: lie to officers. (MR)
‘No fresh vegetables, no fruit,’ said Shufti. ‘That’s a very binding diet, corp.’
‘Yeah, well, once battle commences I reckon you’ll find constipation’s the last thing on your mind,’ said Scallot. (MR)
‘…I think there’s no rule to stop me beating seven kinds of crap out of you until you tell me why you came here and when the rest of your mates are going to arrive. And that may take me some time, sir, because up until now I’ve only ever discovered five types of crap.’ (MR)
‘Special skills?’
‘Stayin’ alive, corporal, come what may.’ (MR)
‘It’s very ingenious.’
‘How does it work, then?’
‘Oh, I didn’t understand what he said. It was all about ... numbers. But it certainly sounded very clever.’ (MR)
…you are not the only one watching the world. Other people are people; while you watch them they watch you, and they think about you while you think about them. The world isn’t just about you. (MR)
‘Never talk to people who write things down.’ (MR)
... when in doubt, bustle. (MR)
A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what the size of the onion, the dish or the woman. (MR)
‘Bein’ a soldier is not hard. If it was, soldiers would not be able to do it.’ (MR)
‘There is only three things you need to remember, which are, viz: one obey orders two give it to the enemy good and hard three don’t die.’ (MR)
... that face that could only be called homely.*
* And even then it was the kind of home that had a burned-out vehicle on the lawn. (MR)
What goes around, comes around - or stops. (MR)
The trouble with Polly was that she had a mind that asked questions even when she really, really didn’t want to know the answers. (MR)
There was this about vampires: they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were…what was the word…deshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style. (MR)
‘“Pretty please with sprinkles on top” is not a recognised method of interrogation!’ (MR)
‘He’s a sergeant, and they don’t deserve no respect at all sir. I should know. They’re cunning and artful, if they’re any good. I wouldn’t mind if he was an officer, sir. But sergeants are clever.’ (MR)
‘He was “pressing his suit” in no small way, was he not?’
‘He didn’t have ironing in mind, sir!’ said Polly fervently. (MR)
‘I live in a city. I know sparrows from starlings. After that everything’s a duck as far as I’m concerned.’ (MR)
There was a bird whistle as Polly neared the hiding place. She identified this one as the sound of the Very Bad Bird Impersonator… (MR)
‘…he might be worth listening to. Even if you think he’ll only tell us lies. Because sometimes, sir, the way people tell you lies, if they tell you enough lies, well, they sort of…show you what shape the truth is, sir.’ (MR)
‘…you’re at home with the writin’ and readin’,’ grumbled Jackrum. ‘You can’t trust the people who do that stuff. They mess around with the world, and it turns out everything you know is wrong.’ (MR)
‘General Tacticus said the fate of a battle may depend upon the actions of one man in the right place, sergeant,’ said Blouse calmly.
‘And having a lot more soldiers than the other bugger, sir,’ Jackrum insisted. (MR)
It’s hard to be an ornithologist and walk through a wood when all around you the world is shouting: ‘Bugger off, this is my bush! Aargh, the nest thief! Have sex with me, I can make my chest big and red!’ (MR)
The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to those who think they’ve found it. (MR)
…you only thought the world would be better if it was run by women if you didn’t actually know many women. Or old women, at least. Take the whole thing about the dimity scarves. Women had to cover their hair on Fridays, but there was nothing about this in the Book, which was pretty dar- pretty damn rigorous about most things. It was just a custom. It was done because it was always done. And if you forgot, or didn’t want to, the old women got you. (MR)
‘It’s not lying when you do it to officers!’ (MR)
... the brain treacherously does not stop thinking just because you want it to... (MR)
Tea was an amazingly useful thing. It gave you an excuse to talk to anyone. (MR)
‘We must take advantage of the “tide of fortune”’.
‘I know about tides, sir. They leave little fish gaspin’.’ (MR)
‘A famous last stand, sir?’ said Jackrum. He spat expertly into the fire in the tumbledown hearth. ‘To hell with them, sir. That’s just a way of dyin’ famous!’ (MR)
It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink. (MR)
…it is always upsetting to find that the enemy is as bright as you. (MR)
Men take over. It is probably because of socks. (MR)
Igorina gave it as her cultural opinion that the stew was not only hearty but lungy and livery too. (MR)
‘The army may be crazy, but at least it’s crazy by numbers. It’s reliably insane.’ (MR)
‘To be frank, the problem here is not that you are women. As such, that is. But you persist in maintaining that you are. You see? We can’t have that.’ (MR)
‘So don’t any of you go thinking you can be artful about this, because when it comes to cunning, I am Mister Fox.’ (MR)
‘Revenge is not redress. Revenge is a wheel and it turns backwards. The dead are not your masters.’ (MR)
‘I wish people would not be so careless about what they believe.’ (MR)
Stopping a battle is much harder than starting it. Starting it only requires you to shout ‘Attack!’ but when you want to stop it, everyone is busy. (MR)
‘It’s all just...people.’ (MR)
‘I’ve learned to recognise the way people don’t say things.’ (MR)
If the landslide is big enough, even square pebbles will roll. (MR)
The pen might not be mightier than the sword, but maybe the printing press was heavier than the siege weapon. Just a few words can change everything… (MR)
Life was a process of finding out how far you could go, and you could probably go too far in finding out how far you could go. (MR)
This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs. (MR)
‘The army’s a piece of piss compared to running a pig farm and looking after three lazy brothers.’ (MR)
‘You’re a liar, sarge,’ said Polly. ‘Best I’ve ever heard. One last lie pays for all!’ (MR)
‘I thought they’d be better at it than men. Trouble was, they were better than the men at being like men.’ (MR)
‘Too many lies and there’s no truth to go back to.’ (MR)
…you might end up wondering what the truth really was, or whether there were lots of different kinds of truth. (MR)
Kisses don’t last. (MR)
…it wasn’t that good things were happening, it was just that bad things had stopped. (MR)
Caring for small things had to start with caring for big things… (MR)
The vampire gave her the kind of smile only a vampire can give. It would have been sheepish, if sheep had different teeth. (MR)
The enemy wasn’t men, or women, or the old, or even the dead. It was just bleedin’ stupid people who came in all varieties. And no one had the right to be stupid. (MR)
And the new day was a great big fish. (MR)
