Quotes from Moist van Lipwig
'Cabbages are so popular, sir. You casn make so many things out of them!'
‘Well I can see that-’
‘There’s cabbage soup, cabbage beer, cabbage fudge, cabbage cake, cream of cabbage-’
‘Yes, Stanley, I think you-’
‘-pickled cabbage, cabbage jelly, cabbage salad, boiled cabbage, deep-fried cabbage-’
‘Yes, but now can-’
‘-fricasse of cabbage, cabbage chutney, Cabbage Surprise, sausages-’
‘Sausages?’
‘Filled with cabbage, sir.’ (GP)
Books were a closed book to Moist. (GP)
'I wouldn’t trust me if I was you. But I would if I was me.' (GP)
'The only way to get something to turn up when you need it is to need it to turn up.' (GP)
'A good woman, that,’ said Groat, as she strode away. ‘Fifth generation of Miss Maccalariats. Maiden name kept for professional purposes, o’course.’
‘They get married?’
From the mob around the makeshift counter came the ringing command: ‘Put that pen back this minute! Do you think
I’m made of pens?’
‘Yessir,’said Groat.
‘Do they bite their husbands’ heads off on their wedding night?’ said Moist.
‘I wouldn’t know that sort of thing, sir,’ said Groat blushing.
‘But she’s even got a bit of a moustache!’
‘Yessir. There’s something for everyone in this wonderful world, sir.' (GP)
'... this place is curséd.’
‘That’s cursed with an extra ed?’
‘Yes sir. The worst kind.' (GP)
... he hadn’t got this job because he was a fine upstanding citizen. Some tasks needed a good honest hammer. Others needed a twisty corkscrew. (GP)
'... She Reminded Him Of Lela The Volcano Goddess, Who Smokes All The Time Because The God Of Rain Has Rained On Her Lava,’ the golem went on.
‘Yes, but women always complain about that sort of thing,’ said Moist. (GP)
'Always move fast Mr Spools. You never know who’s catching up.' (GP)
'I’ve fallen into good ways.' (GP)
There was a rumour that the sword in the stick had been made with the iron taken from the blood of a thousand men. It seemed a waste, thought Moist, when for a bit of extra work you could get enough to make a ploughshare. (MM)
All the way to Genua there were people who’d been duped, fooled, swindled and cheated by that face. The only thing he hadn’t done was hornswoggle, and that was only because he hadn’t found out how to. (MM)
' ...it’s not what you say, it’s the way you say it, isn’t it? Sooner or later it’s all about style.' (MM)
‘What is the worth of a gold coin compared to the dexterity of the hand that holds it?’ (MM)
... there were in fact enough skeletons in his closet to fill a big crypt, with enough left over to equip a funfair House of Horrors and maybe also make a macabre but mildly amusing ashtray. (MM)
'Is Hubert quite … normal?’ said Adora Belle, as they climbed the marble staircases towards dinner.
‘By the standards of obsessive men who don’t get out into the sunlight?’ said Moist. ‘Pretty normal, I’d say.’
‘But he acted as if he’d never seen a woman before!’
'He’s just not used to things that don’t come with a manual,’ said Moist. (MM)
'Your not going to tell me they built fifty-foot high killer golems, are you?’
‘Only a man would think of that.’
‘It’s our job,’ said Moist. (MM)
'Necromancy is a Fine Art?’ said Moist.
‘None finer, young man. Get things just a tiny bit wrong and the spirits of the vengeful dead may enter your head via your ears and blow your brains out down your nose.' (MM)
Am I really a bastard or am I just really good at thinking like one? (MM)
'There are, some like to suggest, an infinite number of universes in order to allow everything that may happen a place to happen in. This is of course nonsense, which we entertain only because we believe words are the same as reality. Now, however, I can prove my point, since in such an infinity of worlds there would have to be one where I would applaud your recent action and, let me assure you, sir, infinity is not that big!' (MM)
'The city bleeds, Mr Lipwig, and you are the clot I need.' (MM)
... Hubert is one of those names you can put a shape to. There may well be tall, slim Hubert, Moist would be the first to agree, but this Hubert was shaped like a proper Hubert, which is to say, stubby and plump. (MM)
'You're more full of bullshit than a frightened herd on fresh pasture, Mr Lipwig.’
‘Thank you, sir. I’ll take that as a compliment.' (MM)
... trouble hit Mr Lipwig like a big wave hitting a flotilla of ducks. Afterwards there was no wave but there was still a lot of duck. (MM)
'They’re paid to be ogled at,’ said Moist. ‘They are professional ogles. It’s an ogling establishment. For oglers.' (MM)
'There’s no need to get hysterical,’ said Adora Belle.
‘Yes there is! What there isn’t a need for is staying calm!' (MM)
Moist von Lipwig had done some heavy work once and couldn't see any future in it, but he could look at it for hours ... (RS)
... he was allergic to the concept of two seven o'clocks in one day. (RS)
' ... a life without danger is a life not worth living ...' (RS)
Moist put on his meek face as only husbands and puppies can do ... (RS)
'... it's hard to make things safe until you know their dangerous.' (RS)
'I am a liar for the purpose of amusement, publicity, trivial oneupmanship, personal profit and the gaiety of nations, but I'm not lying to you now'. (RS)
'It's a harebrained idea, of course, otherwise you wouldn't have had it, would you?' (RS)
'I find it amazing and, of course, annoying but so far he has always succeeded, which is why, therefore, all of his extremities are in their rightful place.' (RS)
Moist forced his face to go so deadpan that it might have actually been dead. (RS)
'I'm good at putting rumours, suspicions and instinct together and getting the right result, because I'm a scoundrel.' (RS)
'Why, Mister Lipwig? You of all people ask me why? The man who danced on the train roof, the man who actually looks for trouble if it appears to be the kind of trouble which is associated with the term derring-do? Though in your case a few more derring-dont's might be a good idea. Sometimes, Mister Lipwig, the young you that you lost many years ago comes back and taps you on the shoulder and says, "This is the moment when civilization does not matter, when rules no longer hold sway. You have given the world all you can give and now it's the time that is just for you, the chance to go for broke in the last hurrah. Hurrah!" (RS)
‘Well I can see that-’
‘There’s cabbage soup, cabbage beer, cabbage fudge, cabbage cake, cream of cabbage-’
‘Yes, Stanley, I think you-’
‘-pickled cabbage, cabbage jelly, cabbage salad, boiled cabbage, deep-fried cabbage-’
‘Yes, but now can-’
‘-fricasse of cabbage, cabbage chutney, Cabbage Surprise, sausages-’
‘Sausages?’
‘Filled with cabbage, sir.’ (GP)
Books were a closed book to Moist. (GP)
'I wouldn’t trust me if I was you. But I would if I was me.' (GP)
'The only way to get something to turn up when you need it is to need it to turn up.' (GP)
'A good woman, that,’ said Groat, as she strode away. ‘Fifth generation of Miss Maccalariats. Maiden name kept for professional purposes, o’course.’
‘They get married?’
From the mob around the makeshift counter came the ringing command: ‘Put that pen back this minute! Do you think
I’m made of pens?’
‘Yessir,’said Groat.
‘Do they bite their husbands’ heads off on their wedding night?’ said Moist.
‘I wouldn’t know that sort of thing, sir,’ said Groat blushing.
‘But she’s even got a bit of a moustache!’
‘Yessir. There’s something for everyone in this wonderful world, sir.' (GP)
'... this place is curséd.’
‘That’s cursed with an extra ed?’
‘Yes sir. The worst kind.' (GP)
... he hadn’t got this job because he was a fine upstanding citizen. Some tasks needed a good honest hammer. Others needed a twisty corkscrew. (GP)
'... She Reminded Him Of Lela The Volcano Goddess, Who Smokes All The Time Because The God Of Rain Has Rained On Her Lava,’ the golem went on.
‘Yes, but women always complain about that sort of thing,’ said Moist. (GP)
'Always move fast Mr Spools. You never know who’s catching up.' (GP)
'I’ve fallen into good ways.' (GP)
There was a rumour that the sword in the stick had been made with the iron taken from the blood of a thousand men. It seemed a waste, thought Moist, when for a bit of extra work you could get enough to make a ploughshare. (MM)
All the way to Genua there were people who’d been duped, fooled, swindled and cheated by that face. The only thing he hadn’t done was hornswoggle, and that was only because he hadn’t found out how to. (MM)
' ...it’s not what you say, it’s the way you say it, isn’t it? Sooner or later it’s all about style.' (MM)
‘What is the worth of a gold coin compared to the dexterity of the hand that holds it?’ (MM)
... there were in fact enough skeletons in his closet to fill a big crypt, with enough left over to equip a funfair House of Horrors and maybe also make a macabre but mildly amusing ashtray. (MM)
'Is Hubert quite … normal?’ said Adora Belle, as they climbed the marble staircases towards dinner.
‘By the standards of obsessive men who don’t get out into the sunlight?’ said Moist. ‘Pretty normal, I’d say.’
‘But he acted as if he’d never seen a woman before!’
'He’s just not used to things that don’t come with a manual,’ said Moist. (MM)
'Your not going to tell me they built fifty-foot high killer golems, are you?’
‘Only a man would think of that.’
‘It’s our job,’ said Moist. (MM)
'Necromancy is a Fine Art?’ said Moist.
‘None finer, young man. Get things just a tiny bit wrong and the spirits of the vengeful dead may enter your head via your ears and blow your brains out down your nose.' (MM)
Am I really a bastard or am I just really good at thinking like one? (MM)
'There are, some like to suggest, an infinite number of universes in order to allow everything that may happen a place to happen in. This is of course nonsense, which we entertain only because we believe words are the same as reality. Now, however, I can prove my point, since in such an infinity of worlds there would have to be one where I would applaud your recent action and, let me assure you, sir, infinity is not that big!' (MM)
'The city bleeds, Mr Lipwig, and you are the clot I need.' (MM)
... Hubert is one of those names you can put a shape to. There may well be tall, slim Hubert, Moist would be the first to agree, but this Hubert was shaped like a proper Hubert, which is to say, stubby and plump. (MM)
'You're more full of bullshit than a frightened herd on fresh pasture, Mr Lipwig.’
‘Thank you, sir. I’ll take that as a compliment.' (MM)
... trouble hit Mr Lipwig like a big wave hitting a flotilla of ducks. Afterwards there was no wave but there was still a lot of duck. (MM)
'They’re paid to be ogled at,’ said Moist. ‘They are professional ogles. It’s an ogling establishment. For oglers.' (MM)
'There’s no need to get hysterical,’ said Adora Belle.
‘Yes there is! What there isn’t a need for is staying calm!' (MM)
Moist von Lipwig had done some heavy work once and couldn't see any future in it, but he could look at it for hours ... (RS)
... he was allergic to the concept of two seven o'clocks in one day. (RS)
' ... a life without danger is a life not worth living ...' (RS)
Moist put on his meek face as only husbands and puppies can do ... (RS)
'... it's hard to make things safe until you know their dangerous.' (RS)
'I am a liar for the purpose of amusement, publicity, trivial oneupmanship, personal profit and the gaiety of nations, but I'm not lying to you now'. (RS)
'It's a harebrained idea, of course, otherwise you wouldn't have had it, would you?' (RS)
'I find it amazing and, of course, annoying but so far he has always succeeded, which is why, therefore, all of his extremities are in their rightful place.' (RS)
Moist forced his face to go so deadpan that it might have actually been dead. (RS)
'I'm good at putting rumours, suspicions and instinct together and getting the right result, because I'm a scoundrel.' (RS)
'Why, Mister Lipwig? You of all people ask me why? The man who danced on the train roof, the man who actually looks for trouble if it appears to be the kind of trouble which is associated with the term derring-do? Though in your case a few more derring-dont's might be a good idea. Sometimes, Mister Lipwig, the young you that you lost many years ago comes back and taps you on the shoulder and says, "This is the moment when civilization does not matter, when rules no longer hold sway. You have given the world all you can give and now it's the time that is just for you, the chance to go for broke in the last hurrah. Hurrah!" (RS)