The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents by Terry Pratchett
‘Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about,’ said the voice of Maurice. ‘They’re so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.’ (AM)
‘Everyone needs their little dreams.’ Maurice truly believed that, too. If you knew what it was that people, really, really wanted, you very nearly controlled them. (AM)
Cats didn’t have to think. They just had to know what they wanted. Humans had to do the thinking. That’s what they were for. (AM)
The trouble with thinking was that, once you started, you went on doing it. (AM)
‘Oh, you think too, do you?’ said Hamnpork. ‘Everyone’s thinking these days. I think there’s a good deal too much of this thinking, that’s what I think. We never thought about thinking when I was a lad. We’d never get anything done if we thought first.’ (AM)
What was the point of education, he thought, if people went out afterwards and used it? (AM)
She looked like the kind of person who asked questions. And her hair was too red and her nose was too long. And she wore a long black dress with black lace fringing. No good comes of that sort of thing. (AM)
'... we didn't know the shadows were there until we had the light.' (AM)
'Learning to face the shadows outside helps us fight the shadows inside.' (AM)
'... what mouse don't we want to be like?' Darktan demanded.
'We don't want to be like the first mouse!' shouted the rats.
'Right! What mouse do we want to be like?'
'The second mouse, Darktan!' said the rats, who'd had this lesson dinned into them many times.
'Right! And why do we want to be like the second mouse?'
'Because the second mouse gets the cheese, Darktan!' (AM)
The important thing about adventures, thought Mr Bunnsy, was that they shouldn’t be so long as to make you miss mealtimes. (AM)
‘…I think that once you’ve shown solidarity, you should be allowed just a little extra.’ (AM)
‘Keith is not a promising name-start,’ said Malicia. ‘It doesn’t hint of mystery. It just hints of Keith.’ (AM)
‘What kind of music do you play?’
‘Kinds? There aren’t any kinds. There’s just music,’ said Keith. ‘There’s always music, if you listen.’ (AM)
The other trainees laughed in the nervous, tittering way of people who’ve seen someone else attract the teacher’s attention and are glad it isn’t them. (AM)
'Of course, it would be more ... satisfying if we were four children and a dog, which is the right number for an adventure, but we'll make do with what we've got.' (AM)
'She's gone in the head, if you ask me. She's one of those people like ... actors.' (AM)
‘And our lady friend, she thinks life works like a fairytale.’
‘Well, that’s harmless, isn’t it?’ said Keith.
‘Yeah, but in fairy-tales, when someone dies…it’s just a word.’ (AM)
'And Dangerous Beans says there's things we should do 'cos they're right, well who works out what's right?' (AM)
'Life's bad enough as it is without having to worry about invisible things you can't see.' (AM)
There were big adventures and small adventures, Mr Bunnsy knew. You didn’t get told what size they were going to be before you started. Sometimes you could have a big adventure even when you were standing still. (AM)
She thought animals were just people who hadn’t been paying enough attention. (AM)
…it was no good looking inconspicuous unless people could see that you were being inconspicuous. (AM)
'I don't know how to look for something that doesn't look like the thing I'm looking for...' (AM)
‘Talk thick, be clever. That’s the way to do it,’ said Ratcatcher 1.
‘Sorry, I forgot.’
‘You tend to do it the other way around.’ (AM)
Trying to give a cat orders? It was easier to nail jelly to a wall. (AM)
Darktan waited for his moment…
…and saw it, and lunged and bit hard.
Jacko’s eyes crossed. A piece of Jacko that was very private and of interest only to Jacko and any lady dogs he might happen to meet was suddenly a little ball of pain. (AM)
It was very unusual for Maurice to feel sympathetic to anyone who wasn't Maurice. In a cat, that is a major character flaw. (AM)
What good was a cat with a conscience? A cat with a conscience was a…a hamster… (AM)
This is what thinking does for you, he thought. It gets you into trouble. Even when you know other people can think for themselves, you start thinking for them too. (AM)
‘The moment I saw you, I thought: he’s got some amazing power that will probably manifest itself when he’s in dire trouble. I thought: no-one could really be as useless as that unless it was a disguise.’ (AM)
'... I'm the kind of person heroes aren't.' (AM)
'You know, in many ways I don't think this adventure has been properly organised.' (AM)
‘If you don’t turn your life into a story, you just become part of someone else’s story.’
‘And what if your story doesn’t work?’
‘You keep changing it until you find one that does.’ (AM)
Malicia had never been interested in other people's feelings, since she'd always considered that her own were a lot more interesting... (AM)
Humans, eh? Think they're lords of creation. Not like us cats. We know we are. Ever seen a cat feed a human? Case proven. (AM)
'I'm unreliable! I'm a cat! I wouldn't trust me, and I am me!' (AM)
‘This is inhuman!’ said Rat-catcher 2.
‘No, it’s very human,’ said Keith. ‘It’s extremely human. There isn’t a beast in the world that’d do it to another living thing…’ (AM)
‘Pirates have a very monotonous diet, which might be why they’re angry all the time.’ (AM)
Light has a smell.
In the dank, damp cellars the sharp sulphur stink of the match flew like a yellow bird, rising on drafts, plunging through cracks. It was a clean and bitter smell and it cut through the dull underground reek like a knife. (AM)
Leaders weren’t allowed not to know. (AM)
‘…I am not so blind that I can’t see darkness.’ (AM)
‘A good plan isn’t one where someone wins, it’s where nobody thinks they’ve lost.’ (AM)
He was a sergeant, he told himself, which meant that he was paid more than a corporal, which meant that he thought more expensive thoughts. (AM)
‘Cats know about people. We have to. No-one else can open cupboards.’ (AM)
‘We all know what happens when a mysterious orphan turns up and challenges someone big and powerful, don’t we? It’s like being the third and youngest son of a king. He can’t help but win!”
She looked triumphantly at the crowd. But the crowd looked doubtful. They hadn’t read as many stories as Malicia, and were rather attached to the experience of real life, which is that when someone small and righteous takes on someone big and nasty he is grilled bread product, very quickly. (AM)
'You pretend that rats can think, and I'll promise to pretend that humans can think, too.' (AM)
…he had the slightly hunted expression of anyone who’d been talked to by Maurice for any length of time. It said ‘I’m going where I don’t want to go, but I don’t know how to get off’. (AM)
‘You gotta dance, boss. You can think and you can fight, but the world’s always movin’, and if you wanna stay ahead you gotta dance.’ (AM)
‘…after you’ve learned to shout you have to learn not too!’ (AM)
‘It’s just like I always tell my daughter,’ said the man. ‘Stories are just stories. Life is complicated enough as it is. We have to plan for the real world. There’s no room for the fantastic.’
‘Exactly,’ said the rat.
And the man and the rat talked, as the long light faded into the evening. (AM)
The thing about stories is that you have to pick the ones that last. (AM)
…some stories end, but old stories go on, and you gotta dance to the music if you want to stay ahead. (AM)
‘Everyone needs their little dreams.’ Maurice truly believed that, too. If you knew what it was that people, really, really wanted, you very nearly controlled them. (AM)
Cats didn’t have to think. They just had to know what they wanted. Humans had to do the thinking. That’s what they were for. (AM)
The trouble with thinking was that, once you started, you went on doing it. (AM)
‘Oh, you think too, do you?’ said Hamnpork. ‘Everyone’s thinking these days. I think there’s a good deal too much of this thinking, that’s what I think. We never thought about thinking when I was a lad. We’d never get anything done if we thought first.’ (AM)
What was the point of education, he thought, if people went out afterwards and used it? (AM)
She looked like the kind of person who asked questions. And her hair was too red and her nose was too long. And she wore a long black dress with black lace fringing. No good comes of that sort of thing. (AM)
'... we didn't know the shadows were there until we had the light.' (AM)
'Learning to face the shadows outside helps us fight the shadows inside.' (AM)
'... what mouse don't we want to be like?' Darktan demanded.
'We don't want to be like the first mouse!' shouted the rats.
'Right! What mouse do we want to be like?'
'The second mouse, Darktan!' said the rats, who'd had this lesson dinned into them many times.
'Right! And why do we want to be like the second mouse?'
'Because the second mouse gets the cheese, Darktan!' (AM)
The important thing about adventures, thought Mr Bunnsy, was that they shouldn’t be so long as to make you miss mealtimes. (AM)
‘…I think that once you’ve shown solidarity, you should be allowed just a little extra.’ (AM)
‘Keith is not a promising name-start,’ said Malicia. ‘It doesn’t hint of mystery. It just hints of Keith.’ (AM)
‘What kind of music do you play?’
‘Kinds? There aren’t any kinds. There’s just music,’ said Keith. ‘There’s always music, if you listen.’ (AM)
The other trainees laughed in the nervous, tittering way of people who’ve seen someone else attract the teacher’s attention and are glad it isn’t them. (AM)
'Of course, it would be more ... satisfying if we were four children and a dog, which is the right number for an adventure, but we'll make do with what we've got.' (AM)
'She's gone in the head, if you ask me. She's one of those people like ... actors.' (AM)
‘And our lady friend, she thinks life works like a fairytale.’
‘Well, that’s harmless, isn’t it?’ said Keith.
‘Yeah, but in fairy-tales, when someone dies…it’s just a word.’ (AM)
'And Dangerous Beans says there's things we should do 'cos they're right, well who works out what's right?' (AM)
'Life's bad enough as it is without having to worry about invisible things you can't see.' (AM)
There were big adventures and small adventures, Mr Bunnsy knew. You didn’t get told what size they were going to be before you started. Sometimes you could have a big adventure even when you were standing still. (AM)
She thought animals were just people who hadn’t been paying enough attention. (AM)
…it was no good looking inconspicuous unless people could see that you were being inconspicuous. (AM)
'I don't know how to look for something that doesn't look like the thing I'm looking for...' (AM)
‘Talk thick, be clever. That’s the way to do it,’ said Ratcatcher 1.
‘Sorry, I forgot.’
‘You tend to do it the other way around.’ (AM)
Trying to give a cat orders? It was easier to nail jelly to a wall. (AM)
Darktan waited for his moment…
…and saw it, and lunged and bit hard.
Jacko’s eyes crossed. A piece of Jacko that was very private and of interest only to Jacko and any lady dogs he might happen to meet was suddenly a little ball of pain. (AM)
It was very unusual for Maurice to feel sympathetic to anyone who wasn't Maurice. In a cat, that is a major character flaw. (AM)
What good was a cat with a conscience? A cat with a conscience was a…a hamster… (AM)
This is what thinking does for you, he thought. It gets you into trouble. Even when you know other people can think for themselves, you start thinking for them too. (AM)
‘The moment I saw you, I thought: he’s got some amazing power that will probably manifest itself when he’s in dire trouble. I thought: no-one could really be as useless as that unless it was a disguise.’ (AM)
'... I'm the kind of person heroes aren't.' (AM)
'You know, in many ways I don't think this adventure has been properly organised.' (AM)
‘If you don’t turn your life into a story, you just become part of someone else’s story.’
‘And what if your story doesn’t work?’
‘You keep changing it until you find one that does.’ (AM)
Malicia had never been interested in other people's feelings, since she'd always considered that her own were a lot more interesting... (AM)
Humans, eh? Think they're lords of creation. Not like us cats. We know we are. Ever seen a cat feed a human? Case proven. (AM)
'I'm unreliable! I'm a cat! I wouldn't trust me, and I am me!' (AM)
‘This is inhuman!’ said Rat-catcher 2.
‘No, it’s very human,’ said Keith. ‘It’s extremely human. There isn’t a beast in the world that’d do it to another living thing…’ (AM)
‘Pirates have a very monotonous diet, which might be why they’re angry all the time.’ (AM)
Light has a smell.
In the dank, damp cellars the sharp sulphur stink of the match flew like a yellow bird, rising on drafts, plunging through cracks. It was a clean and bitter smell and it cut through the dull underground reek like a knife. (AM)
Leaders weren’t allowed not to know. (AM)
‘…I am not so blind that I can’t see darkness.’ (AM)
‘A good plan isn’t one where someone wins, it’s where nobody thinks they’ve lost.’ (AM)
He was a sergeant, he told himself, which meant that he was paid more than a corporal, which meant that he thought more expensive thoughts. (AM)
‘Cats know about people. We have to. No-one else can open cupboards.’ (AM)
‘We all know what happens when a mysterious orphan turns up and challenges someone big and powerful, don’t we? It’s like being the third and youngest son of a king. He can’t help but win!”
She looked triumphantly at the crowd. But the crowd looked doubtful. They hadn’t read as many stories as Malicia, and were rather attached to the experience of real life, which is that when someone small and righteous takes on someone big and nasty he is grilled bread product, very quickly. (AM)
'You pretend that rats can think, and I'll promise to pretend that humans can think, too.' (AM)
…he had the slightly hunted expression of anyone who’d been talked to by Maurice for any length of time. It said ‘I’m going where I don’t want to go, but I don’t know how to get off’. (AM)
‘You gotta dance, boss. You can think and you can fight, but the world’s always movin’, and if you wanna stay ahead you gotta dance.’ (AM)
‘…after you’ve learned to shout you have to learn not too!’ (AM)
‘It’s just like I always tell my daughter,’ said the man. ‘Stories are just stories. Life is complicated enough as it is. We have to plan for the real world. There’s no room for the fantastic.’
‘Exactly,’ said the rat.
And the man and the rat talked, as the long light faded into the evening. (AM)
The thing about stories is that you have to pick the ones that last. (AM)
…some stories end, but old stories go on, and you gotta dance to the music if you want to stay ahead. (AM)
